Social Experiment No.2

"The 'Just How Desperate Are We?' Leaflet Drop"

To be handed out in London - 13th - 17th April 2009

Social Experiment No.1 - The Ikea Cafe

"The 'Sounds Good but Isn't' Business Pitch" -

6th April 2009

...Dear Sir,

I am writing to you with an idea which may help your already ubiquitous chain delve even further in to the affections and pockets of the British public. As someone who would greet the prospect of a visit to one of your primary-coloured warehouses with a level of enthusiasm more typically associated with self-castration, I hesitate to present your company with any further opportunities to impinge on my life. Nonetheless, it is an idea that is too good a waste.

As you are probably well aware from your in-depth store research, almost exactly half of the customers enter your shops with one thought in mind. This target group tends to be stoical and long-suffering, they will derive amusement from to realisation that your product lines are apparently named by trolls, they will probably be wearing slacks and a thick, polyester pullover. In short, they are men, and they want meatballs.

You may have been fooled by the fact that many men appear to be carrying large handfuls of your mildly infuriating products as they head home to spend a weekend going over their back-catalogue of swearing. These are merely props, chosen and bought by their better halves. No man has ever been to Ikea with loftier visions than picking up a packet of light bulbs and idly wishing they could leave the kids in the gargantuan ball-pit for weeks, rather than hours.

The salient point here then, is that even though your shops are the size of a small county, almost half the people visit exclusively for the café. And here’s where the idea comes in. Why not open a chain of Ikea cafes; occupying the admittedly crowded marketplace taken by Costa, Starbucks et al?

You have a brand image more recognisable than most high-street chains, you produce easy-to-cook, cheap and instant food and you exert a bizarre and powerful gravitational pull on millions of Britons. Your cafes are already so popular people visit with no intention of buying anything requiring self-assembly or alan keys. Not only would a café chain allow you to diversify, it would create a terrific shop-window on the high street for your more traditional product lines. Just imagine it – an entire eatery enterprise tooled up with Ikea products. Customers could pick up some new cutlery with their smorgasbord. A table lamp with their chips. Light bulbs with their coffee. Ikea already has the equipment and the expertise. All it needs are the premises – and there is likely to be a few of those around for knock-down prices right now.

I would be intrigued to hear your thoughts on this idea, and indeed whether you already have any designs on this particular market.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards...

Moron, heal thyself

You have to feel a little sorry for Prince Harry. In the event, what he said was really very stupid for a public figure like himself, and after the Nazi costume incident we know he has form. But for lefty rag the News of the World to wax lyrical on the subject seems deeply hypocritical.

Harry is much more like your typical News of the World reader than any other royal. Unlike his goody-goody brother who is clearly officer material, he is much more of a regular Tommy. He regularly goes out and gets pissed with his mates. He clearly loves his country and the military. And he's not the sharpest bayonet in the platoon. Yet he is vilified by a readership that is to a man as casual with careless racist terms as he is.

NOTW should be Harry's closest ally in representing a uniquely British confusion with racism. I don't think anyone would argue that Harry is actually racist for using the words 'Paki' and 'raghead' in the context he did. And the the huge minority of Brits that continue to use similar terms at similar times would bristle if you accused them of such a taboo. But sadly a lot of us still don't understand that even if something is a little bit funny within a group, it can still be seen as verboten by others outside it. We're not sensitive enough with our lazy jokes - jokes that just aren't particularly amusing anymore. But because sense-of-humour trumps all else in the UK, and that enemy of the lower-middle classes 'political correctness' is seen as threatening it, such terms will continue to thrive. I'll bet anything on editions of NOTW having the word 'raghead' appear numerous times over the past decade.

So yes, Harry is a berk. But it is a pity that those condemning him most shrilly are likely to be as guilty as him.

23 years old...give or take

It's my birthday today! Of course, it's all downhill from day one, which is why I tend to surround myself with people who are older than me. I may be officially in my mid-twenties now, but relatively speaking I'm in the first flush of youth.

Twenty-three years ago to the day, my mother cursed like a Glaswegian docker as 9lb 8oz me entered the world. I was fat, jaundiced and had a fantastic squint. A child only a mother could love. As I say, it's been all downhill from there.

Incidentally, why don't the pro-life brigade measure their birthdays from the calculated day of conception, eh? Surely if they believe themselves to be complete human beings from the moment of fertilisation they are obliged to celebrate that day as the beginning of their existence?

Anyway, never mind all that. I'm off to eat cake for breakfast.

Hello? Who is this?

Nick Griffin, the British National Party ('Just like Nazis, but without the charisma') head honcho, is complaining vehemently today after a blog publicly released contact details of over 10,000 BNP activists. He claims that some members are receiving 'threatening phone calls' - from those dirty foreigners no doubt.

Two things.

Firstly, if you join up to an organisation where you'd rather not have it known that you are a member, you should probably work out that what you're doing is at best very embarrassing, and definitely not cool at all.

Secondly, a genuine BNP electoral slogan is 'Don't unpack, you're going back.'

Frankly, an intimidating phone call is far too lenient. Someone should be going at their genitals with a cheese grater.